Are you my mother?

We've had a few mishaps lately of mistaken identities. Mine, to be exact. For whatever reason, my girls have recently accidentally run up and hugged total strangers in public, only to look up and realize it wasn't actually me. Can you imagine how horrible that must be? It's a deadly concoction of embarrassment, fear, and anger that leaves my girls red-faced and clinging to me like a baby sloth the rest of the day.

Ember did it first, last weekend. We were in Tacoma all day on Saturday, enjoying the Children's Museum in its new location - for free, I might add. The Seattle Children's Museum is most definitely NOT free, and I was delightfully surprised when the lady at the front desk kindly told us that they don't charge, only accept donations. Now, it's awkward (at least for me) to tell her, "No thanks, we don't want to donate, but my kids are going to play here all day," so we donated a small fee. Honestly, for how much fun the girls had exploring there, it was a bargain at any price. We decided to leave late afternoon, after spending a solid few hours there. The girls were exhausted from all of the stimulation. As soon as we got in the car, they zonked out. Jason and I talked about our possibilities, and we spontaneously decided to drive to Gig Harbor. It was a good chance to talk and enjoy the beautiful weather. We even had our windows rolled down for some of the drive. Our lease is up here in July, which is right before Jason's company makes a big move to North Seattle. Meaning that we need to find a place to live. There are so many options in the Seattle area - it is both exciting and overwhelming. Anyways, we enjoyed the beautiful drive up there. We got there right as it became dark, which was bad planning on our part. It was not even 5:00. I guess we had forgotten that it wasn't summer. It gets DARK there - hardly any streetlights. By then, the girls were awake, so we decided to stop at the Golden Arches - this really fancy establishment - for dinner. We waited in line for our turn to order. Ember, who had been at my feet, ran behind me and latched onto the legs of an unsuspecting elderly woman. C'mon, Ember...not only was she elderly, but she was in a polyester pant suit. Blow to the ego, right there. As soon as she heard the lady say, "Well, hi sweetheart," and pat her pigtailed head, she knew what she had done. She looked up, and sure enough, it was most definitely not me. I think that can be recorded as Ember's first experience with embarrassment. Her chubby little cheeks turned rosy and mortified, she buried her face into my shoulder, holding that position for about 15 minutes. There was no crying involved, which is rare for Ember, but I think she didn't know what to do with the new feelings she was feeling. Her emotion was tangible. I felt sincerely bad for her, but it was kind of funny.

Today, we went to the library for toddler/preschool story time. It is one of my favorite days of the week. After, we wandered to the children's book section to pick out our weekly books and movies. The girls sat at our usual table, thumbing through books quietly, while I wandered a couple feet away to try and find the Fancy Nancy books that Reagan has been requesting. Suddenly, Reagan wanted to show me something in her book. I heard her call for me, and then heard footsteps down the aisle next to me. Next I hear, "Well where's your mommy?" I quickly showed up, and Reagan dashed straight toward me, her eyes to the floor. Looking up, I was pleasantly surprised that Reagan had mistaken me for a super cute stylish mom, so that made up for Ember's mishap with the elderly woman last weekend. To her credit, we were both wearing Chuck Taylor shoes. Reagan doesn't handle embarrassment well. I sat down, told her I would never leave her, and held her for...well, the rest of the time. She wouldn't let me set her down. She didn't say a word, only clung to me for dear life. I felt the hot coming off of her cheeks like steam, and really empathized with her vulnerability. Reagan is such a busy-body that I actually enjoyed this moment probably more than I should have. It is rare for her to want me to hold her for that long. I sat and rocked her, my face buried into her hair, breathing in her signature sweet Reagan scent. I even closed my eyes, trying to remember when she was little and would fall asleep like this on me every night. How quickly we forget what those moments feel like. I always worried that she would never be able to fall asleep anywhere but my chest and now, I am practically begging her to sit on my lap for more than a few minutes. For some reason, today, I enjoyed holding her more than I normally would have. I didn't want it to end. Her strong little arms wrapped around me, and mine around her. For a moment, it felt as though I might absorb her. It was wonderful. That may be a strange thought, but I think that most mothers would identify with the feeling. I missed her touch - her needing me to just hold her and reassure her that I wasn't leaving anytime soon. When she finally decided she was ready to let go, she grabbed my face and smiled. We had a moment, her and I. For a brief second, she seemed much older and more mature than a 3 1/2 year old. Her look showed me gratitude. I felt loved. I needed that.

It does happen

Today is a day that I always want to remember.

It started out fairly normal. Actually, if I'm being honest, it started out worse than normal. I made eggs for breakfast. Reagan didn't want eggs. Reagan wanted to play a computer game on the PBS kids website. We didn't have time. It was "wear red" day at preschool. Reagan wanted to wear her big, fluffy Rapunzel dress. I was this close to just shrugging my shoulders and letting her go with it, but I decided that it would be too much of a distraction for not only her but the rest of the kids at school. She wasn't happy with me. We got to preschool. She wanted to ring the doorbell. Her teacher, Miss Alaina (who I LOVE), answered the door before Reagan was able to. Reagan threw a pretty solid little tantrum right there on the steps of preschool.

"Here - here is my child," I felt like saying, "Have fun and good luck!" while I ran away as fast as I could.

But I didn't. I knelt down and tried to explain that it was okay, and that maybe next time she could ring the doorbell. Miss Alaina was even so kind as to step back inside and let Reagan do her thing with the doorbell, but by then, the damage was done. Reagan is a girl who knows WHAT she wants WHEN she wants it. Luckily, the tantrum was short lived. I gave Reagan a kiss on the head and sent her on her way with an apologetic look to her teacher.

"Don't worry - I'll let you know how it goes," Miss Alaina said reassuringly.Like I said, I really love her. She is so patient and kind and always reassuring.

I got back into my car with Ember and drove back home. I was drained, and it was only 10 am. After straightening up the house a bit, reading some scriptures, and playing with Ember, it was time to pick up Reagan from preschool. Two hours goes by so fast! As soon as the front door opened, Reagan saw me and came running to me with a smile, showing off her Groundhog Day craft she had made. I hugged her, and shot Miss Alaina a look of thanks.

"Emily," she said, "Reagan listened wonderfully today. She had a great day."

I have to admit I was a little shocked. Reagan's emotions have been on red-alert lately. She is so passionate about what she wants and I often feel like she is a ticking time bomb. I do not, by any means, intend to be complaining about this. She is 3, and has been particularly challenging for the past few months. There have also been a lot of changes, so I don't place any blame on Reagan. We moved. She moved away from her friends, not to mention her Nana and Bumpa. New ward, new friends, new preschool, potty training, little sister who wants to do everything that Reagan is doing and with whom she must share mommy's attention with, etc. All normal, and to be expected.

After the morning we had, something today just clicked. The rest of the day, Reagan was absolutely delightful to be around. I made sure to lay the praise on extra thick, even making sure we called Nana right away to tell her how great she did bringing her "listening ears" to preschool. Today, Reagan did almost everything that I asked of her with a smile on her face and sans the usual tantrum. Not only that, but she actually suggested a couple times that we "clean up before moving on to something else." Seriously? I couldn't believe what I was hearing! She even asked for a special bowl of vegetables to enjoy after her actual dinner. She played doctor nicely with her sister before bed, and told Jason that, before they could cuddle and watch a little bit of "Tangled" together, she needed to clean her toys up. I overheard this in the other room and came out, so that I could make sure I heard what I thought I was hearing. Jason and I both just stared at each other in disbelief.

Is this it? Did all of the sudden the planets align and everything I have taught Reagan up to this point suddenly make sense? Admittedly, probably not. But one thing's for certain. This will be a day I will never forget. I had to write it down, if only for a reference on a particularly hard day. I need to remember that sometimes, things do go right! Sometimes, my kids do listen - and sometimes, they even do it happily!

After the girls were in bed tonight, Jason and I talked about what exactly happened today that was different, in hopes that we could re-enact it from now on. Honestly, both of us are pretty stumped. The only thing I had to offer was that I had been praying really hard lately to understand Reagan and be able to communicate with her on her level. And be happy. Honestly, sometimes you just want your kids to be happy. I wrote a blog entry about how my job is not to make my kids "happy" a while back. I meant that, but truthfully - sometimes them being happy is all I can hope for in a day. At the end of some days, if I was able to make them smile, then it was a success. My house might be a mess. I might not have gotten anything done. Perhaps my kids disobeyed and fought all day long. But if there were some happy moments, then I can go to bed knowing I did my best.

What I can take from today is that my prayers are answered. Not always on my timeline, but they are answered. I know that. I also know that not every day will go as "perfectly", but if I can remember these "kairos" moments, then every tantrum is so, so worth it. Bring on tomorrow! I am ready.

It must be noted: It is 11 pm. Reagan went to bed at 8:30 and has gotten out of bed no less than 10 times already, for various reasons. There she goes, humbling me again. Love her.