I recently stumbled upon a blog post that really spoke to me. I don't remember how I came across it, and for the life of me I cannot find it again. If I do, I will most definitely be sharing the link, because it is something that I think every parent should read.
It was basically a letter from a mother to her children, telling them that she doesn't want them to be "happy." Now, before you re-read that last sentence with a puzzled look on your face and perhaps even a furrow in your brow, stay with me. Happiness, she explained, is easily obtained and fleeting by nature. Happiness is a wonderful feeling - but it is not what this life is about. She goes on to explain that it is not her job as a parent to make her kids happy. In fact, much of our day as parents is spent wiping tears that, in essence, we cause. Nap times, veggie-eating, no-we- can't-buy-that-toy, big, fat, crocodile tears. Now, not every situation warrants tears and some children (and ages) seem to cope a bit easier than others. But, the point is, that our purpose is to teach and instill values in our children that are becoming less black-and-white by the world's standards and much more of a fuzzy gray.
We teach our children because we love them. Unfortunately, this notion is considered by the masses to be old-fashioned and unnecessary. We live amongst a society in which many young people (and some old people) feel entitled to a certain amount of happiness that the world and life owes to them just for existing. I know that I do not stand alone when I say that it is often tempting to take the easy route and just make my kids "happy." Some days I indulge that temptation much too regularly (Okay, you don't have to take a nap. Oh, those veggies? I guess you don't have to eat them. Sure, you can have that toy) and then pay for it days, even weeks after, by re-visiting the incorrect behavior that I enforced earlier because I was apparently too exhausted to do what I knew was right.
At least I hope I am not alone. I know I am a good mother, but as I lay in bed each night, I often think back on the events of the day and make mental notes of what I could have done differently - and will do differently the next go-around. Naturally, some days are better than others. Most days, I make so many mistakes that I lose count. But, that is the beauty of each new day. I love having opportunities to redeem myself and cannot deny the very present existence of a loving Heavenly Father who wants to help guide me and give me direction when I ask. He helps me with even my most simple pleas, because they are important to me. I love Him.
Fast forward to last night. I sat on the couch, laundry folded in neat piles in front of me, enjoying my night-time snack of Greek yogurt and honey as I watched my favorite show on television right now, Parenthood. Although I do not agree with every decision that the parents on the show make, it brings up some really interesting dialogue between Jason and I as far as what we would do when faced with similar situations that the show dramatizes.
In last night's episode, Kristina and Adam, parents to a young boy with Asperger's Syndrome and a 16-year-old girl, find out that their teenage daughter is having sex with her 19 year old boyfriend. (Side note - although it is about a family, this show is NOT one that I would recommend kids or teenagers watching - due purely to the mature subject matter that is brought up, such as this.) They decide to confront her about it, and she initially denies the allegations, to which her mom replies "Well, I want you to know that if you are, you can talk to me about it." Later, the girl, Haddie, ends up confessing to her mother that she has, in fact, slept with her boyfriend. Shocked, her mother asks her if she's been using protection, and then asks her if she is happy. I realize this is a TV show, but that is the extent of their conversation. Obviously, this is one situation where I absolutely do not agree with the parents' reaction.
Like I said, this show does spark some interesting conversations and thoughts, and there are often "discussions" on Facebook that I can see because I "like" the Parenthood page. Today, the question was asked whether or not the viewers of this show agree or disagree with Adam and Kristina's reaction upon finding out their very young teenage daughter was sleeping with her boyfriend. Curious because of my strong opinions on the matter, I scrolled through some of the comments. I was absolutely floored and overwhelmed by what I was seeing. Among the answers were comments like "teenagers are going to do it anyway," "at least she is happy and in love," "parents would be ignorant to expect their 16 year old not to be having sex," "as long as they are using protection, it is just fine." I probably only read a handful of comments that disagreed with the parents' reaction, but even those were disappointing at best. Is this the way children are being raised? Needless to say, it got my blood boiling a bit. I could not believe that the only concerns to most of these people were pregnancy and STDs and nothing else. Especially infuriating were the comments that said "at least she is happy" or "her parents just want her to be happy."
I am terribly afraid that the notion that parents' only existence is to make their children happy is the norm. I don't know what else to say except that it is not. A parent's job is to love their children unconditionally, but to protect them from physical, emotional, and spiritual harm, and enrich their lives and empower them by teaching them how to make decisions that they are not yet mature enough to know how to make on their own just yet. As much as I love it when Reagan tells me that I am her best friend (and I should be - she is 2), I know that this is not my sole purpose. It is going to be so hard. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't terrified of being faced with situations even remotely similar to this one. Teaching and nurturing - parenting - is not for the faint of heart.
My most difficult days right now consist of tantrums over what toy belongs to whom and lack of sleep. I know these days will be greatly overshadowed by my hard days in even a few short years. There is so much confusion and darkness in the world we live in that threatens the self-worth of my beautiful, precious, innocent daughters. I am scared, but I am up to the challenge. It is my job, and I cannot and will not shirk my responsibilities. It is because I love my children that I will endure the tears over fleeting happiness. I will teach them that joy - true joy - can only be found in doing what's right.
It is times like this that I am so grateful that I do not have to navigate this whole being-a-mom-thing on my own. I am so grateful for my church that not only encourages me, but gives me direction and comfort knowing that raising righteous children can be done, if centered around Christ. I am grateful for a living Prophet, whose words are truly divinely inspired. I am continually and unbelievably grateful for my parents, whose consistent and early example has truly paved the way for the life that I am trying to lead, and how I am raising my children. Some of my earliest memories of my parents are watching them read their scriptures or kneel quietly in prayer by their bedside. I now know that most of those prayers were probably being said in behalf of me and my siblings. I am also so, so grateful to Jason for being up to the challenge with me. I know that I absolutely could not do it without his love and support. Right now, I am grateful that my biggest problem is that it's midnight and my baby is currently crying from the comfort of her crib. See? I really don't want her to be happy. =) Off to go feed her and enjoy her a little bit before she's big.
